The Ozark Corn Maze

When Amy told me that we were going to the Razorback-shaped Ozark Corn Maze I'll be honest-I was scared.  It's one thing to go jaunting off to some shady carnival-type thing when you're 23 and you're with a bunch of large men, but I have a family now and I get nervous around carny types.  And at $7 a person, my rip-off instincts immediately kicked in.  But after a trip to their website HERE my suspicion that it was poo was somewhat diminished.  "And," said Amy, "they also have a pumpkin patch, a petting zoo, and a corn cannon."   Well!  If they have a pumpkin patch then I'm in for 7 bucks saith I.

It's on highway 112 in Cave Springs right next to the RV park that is next to the Creeks golf course (look on the website).  You can't miss the big tents and (what is now) dead brown corn.  Whoa!  A train made out of cows?  This may actually be worth 7 bucks!

Mark, Cindy, and Z came along in case we got jumped by farm-carnies.
GIBBY:  Hey!  Let me get a picture of you three with the sun blinding you!
CINDY, and Z:  Sun....blinding....hurry up...
MARK:  I got my Walgreen's blu-blockers on baby!  No sun trouble for me!  All the blu rays from the sun are being blocked.  Ah yeah!

After a thorough review of the rules, hours, admission, and smoking information, Mark determined that we could proceed.  "We need to stay frosty though", said Mark "this could go sideways at any moment-you know how corn people are after dark."

Z was concerned about his ability to kung-fu fight effectively while restrained in his stroller so the Grunion released him.

Corn Cannon: PVC tube hooked up to an air compressor that shoots corn cobs (kinda like the t-shirt cannons at football games).  $1 for 4 shots.  Stupid.  Our friend Rusty makes cannons like this for fun using hair spray as the propellant.  We passed.

The corn maze has two options.  Go through the whole maze WHICH TAKES 45 MINUTES, or go through the "children's maze" which takes 10 minutes.  Guess which one we chose.  I have to say it is pretty cool, but it is probably WAY cooler when the corn is green and full and you can't see between the rows.

After we successfully completed the corn maze, we took a break.
Z:  Dad, why would someone make a corn maze?
MARK:  Well son, in the early days, like around 1950, the pilgrims made up a new word for what the Indians called "maize" to get back at the Indians for beating them at soccer.  The pilgrims went around saying stuff like "man this corn is a-maze-ing".  Eventually the pilgrims figured out that it would REALLY make the Indians mad to make a maze out of corn cause "maze"  sounds just like "maize".  Get it? 
Z:  Hmmm.  Sounds plausible.  How do you know all that?
MARK:  I have a B.S. in Corn.

GRUNION:  Dad, why didn't you know that?
GIBBY:  Cause my B.S. is in BS.

FARMER:  All aboard!  All aboard the scary trailer with hay bales on it being dragged behind a tractor that takes you 100 yards to the pumpkin patch!  All lazy Americans aboard!

This is the "cow train".  55 gallon barrels with wheels and cow heads strung behind a tractor.  Big dangerous fun!  2 bucks per child.  We passed.

The pumpkin patch is huge, but most of the pumpkins are gone.  At their request, we left the boys alone in the pumpkin patch for a few hours so they could hunt for the Great Pumpkin (of Charlie Brown fame).

GRUNION:  This is gonna be so rad!  Wait till the Great Pumpkin comes and gives us a bunch of candy!
Z:  What's "rad"?

Z:  I'm kinda hungry.  Got any milk?
GRUNION: No, dude.  We gotta live off the land.  Eat one of these pumpkins.

***sound of twig breaking***

GRUNION:  What was that? 
Z:  I dunno.  Probably some person over there stepping on a branch or-

GRUNION:    It's the children of the corn!  We gotta get outta here!
Z:  What?  Children of the corn?  You mean from the movie?  Whoa!  This pumpkin stem tastes funny on my tongue!  I think I'm tripping dude!

GRUNION:  Outta my way dude! 
Z:    Hey man!  You knocked me over!  Quit freaking out!

Overall, the Ozark Corn Maze is worth a trip (even at $7).  But you better go soon cause that corn isn't getting any less brown.  Take the wife and kiddies.

Logan's Roadhouse

As a rule I shy away from eating at chain restaurants.  They have their time and place, but I like a little flavor in my fries and local places always seem to take more chances.  Unfortunately for me, one of my fry spies (not Jack P.) INSISTED that we go to Logan's cause he wanted to go to Radio Shack afterward to buy an old-time transistor radio (with a speaker and manual tuning dial) to attach to his super-cool recumbent bicycle that he was going to be riding all weekend so he could listen to the football game.  That's probably more than you care about, but I thought you may need an explanation.

Anyhoo, Logan's is located in Fayetteville a block or so away from Target.

At $2.19, the "side" order of fries is kinda steep.  Especially since you only get about 35 of them.

The fries are faux-fresh, and are palatable.  There is an obvious attempt at flavor, but ultimately they are meh.  7 out of 10.

However, Logan's gets a gold star for giving out free peanuts in the shell AND free rolls (if you're into that sort of thing).

Hair Club

As we all know from the teachings of Chuck Palahniuk, the first (and second) rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club.  What you may not know is that there is a more secret club in existence called Hair Club that predates Fight Club (and that some say inspired Chuck's novel) that dictates that you cannot even THINK about Hair Club unless you are alone.  I'm risking my entire grooming future grooming by exposing this information, but I thought it was time for the world to know.  Please note that the identities of Hair Club members have been obscured to protect the innocent.

On a nondescript street in a nondescript town (not Fayetteville) in a nondescript country there is a nondescript house.

Next to this nondescript house is a nondescript door.

Inside this nondescript door is the Hair Club.

Hair Club is a fully-functional salon complete with hair coloring thingys.

And hair care products galore.

But you would never know it, because Hair Club is super-secret.  You have to be invited to join Hair Club by the president (pictured below) and to gain admission you must submit to a hair beat-down.

It is brutal.  I was personally the victim of a vicious highlighter yellow hair coloring as my entrance into the club.

Did I mention that the only time a spot opens up in Hair Club is when a current member dies?  It is that exclusive.  You can also be kicked out of Hair Club for a number of reasons including bitchery, doucherey, or attempting to pay for services with Canadian dollars.  So, the next time you are driving down a nondescript street in your nondescript town, be aware that behind a nondescript door next to a nondescript house there may be a secret hair society operating without your knowledge.

Hair Club has nothing to do with french fries, but The Beez bet me 10 bucks I couldn't use the word nondescript in a post 12 times.

Victory:  Gibby

Only Two Episodes Left!

Frustration over the imminent season end (and recent dismissal of the Situation from DWTS) is beginning to cause violent outbursts....

Fish City Grill

It's tough to serve up ocean fish in Arkansas.  Let's face it, unless a place can keep the dollars rolling in, they won't be paying to have the fresh stuff flown (or driven) in every day for long.  Fish City Grill seems to be doing okay so far, and I think now I know why.  You guessed it.  Their waffle fries.  Fish City Grill is in the Pinnacle Promenade mall in Rogers, and in the interest of fairness I must disclose that it is run by Chris Barnes who is a good friend of mine.  I can keep it objective though....

FCG's two most sought-after items are their Oyster Nachos and their Fish Tacos.  I am not really an oyster guy, but people who eat oysters tell me that the Oyster Nachos are incredible.  I AM a Fish Taco guy, and they are awesome too.  As a matter of fact, Amy got the Fish Tacos and she said they are awesome.

Uncle T got Fish and Chips, which he said was awesome.

Aunt Cindy got Shrimp Tacos which she said were awesome (seeing a trend here?).

And I ordered the SHRIMP and ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE MACARONI AND CHEESE.  Woo Hoo!  Yes......it is awesome.

Okay, so let's get down to the business of fries.  Chris started us off with an over-the-top fry-stravaganza that isn't even on the menu.  I think he referred to it as being called "southwestern fries".  It was awesome, but you know the rules-we had to have an actual order of regular fries to do our research.

The fries at FCG are waffle fries.  This is the basket:

At $2.79 FCG's fries are on the steep side-however, because FCG is a higher class of joint AND the amount was impressive, the cost is acceptable.  Crisp, savory (due to a copious dusting of seasoning), and hot-these waffle fries are definitely the new undisputed king of waffle fries in NWA.  10 out of 10.  The Grunion ate 5 by himself (no small feat for a 1-year old).

Bottom line: go to Fish City Grill.  It's great.  And while you're there, tell my friend Chris that it was great (cause it's because of him that it is so great).  As a matter of fact, you would be hard-pressed to find a better restaurant manager (or friend for that matter) ANYWHERE.

Fish City Grill: DO IT.

Only 3 Episodes Left!

Chrisnooki, Pauly-Beez, and Bandit-Wow are reminding you to watch The Jersey Shore tonight on MTV @9pm!

G.T.L.!

Burger Life: Worth a Trip-Sort Of

Burger Life (located on Joyce in Fayetteville) is an odd new addition to the dining landscape.  It used to be the Marketplace or something to that effect, but the owners have converted it to a gourmet burger joint with something like 256,000 possible combinations of bread, toppings, sauces, etc.

When you walk in the front door, an attendant instructs you to fill out one of these dry erase menus with all your burger choices.  It is pretty daunting, and definitely intimidating.  I can only imagine what kind of chaos ensues on a weekend when a Twilight movie comes out at the theater right across the parking lot and 1000 energy drink-tweaked teenagers are trying to figure out whether they want chipotle orange BBQ or  chipotle pepper aioli sauce on their burger.

After dry erase arts and crafts time, you meander over to the register where the kid rings in your order while asking if each thing is correct-totally eliminating the need for the dry erase arts and crafts bit.  By the way, this place also disrespects the fries with the "extras" moniker.  When will the persecution end?

I never really went to this place when it was the Marketplace, so I don't know if the decor has changed.  It's pretty chill, though.

The burgers are really good.  Really expensive, but really good.  For the record, I had the angus/brioche bun/horseradish cheddar/hickory smoked bacon/cajun seasoning/Louisiana hot mustard burger.  See what I mean about all the possible combinations?

Amy had the veggie burger which cost a buck more than my beef burger.  It looked (and tasted) like drywall spackle to me.  She said it was good as far as veggie burgers go.

The fries are of the shoestring variety and are of high quality.  The amount you get as a side with a burger is substantial, but I ordered a separate order of fries for evaluation purposes.  Roughly 62 fries for $2.49 puts these over the limit cost-wise, so they lost some points.  However, they were hot, crisp, and tasty.  Not great, but good.  8 out of 10.  They have sweet potato fries too but I don't rate those (I'm watching my figure).

Overall, I'd say that Burger Life is worth a trip if you want a weird burger and you've got like 20 bucks burning a hole in your pocket.  Don't go there specifically for the fries, though.

The Grunion and Paul

Meanwhile, at WRMC....

PAUL:  Thank goodness my neck surgery is done and everything went-

GRUNION:  Hey fool!  You done with the lullaby puppy I lent you?

PAUL:  Um....yes....but....can I keep it for a few more nights?  It makes me feel.....snuggly.

GRUNION:  Hell no!  What do I look like-a lullaby puppy rental agency?

PAUL:  Okay, okay.  Here it is.

Paul's bionic neck surgery went perfectly and he is doing fine!  

 

Duff's Famous Wings

One of the great things about having fry spies is that I don't have to go to Buffalo, NY.   Recently one of said fry spies (not JoeDonn) went to Duff's Famous Wings in Buffalo and filed a brief report.

 The wings are phenomenal (as you might expect, since they are in fact located in Buffalo), and for $9.95 (not JoeDonn) got chicken dumpling soup, 12 wings, and fries.  Pretty good bargain.  BTW, he said the chicken dumpling soup was AMAZING.

 However.  The fries (which I will have to estimate a cost for because they were part of a combo deal and my fry spy obviously has not learned his lesson about asking what the cost for an order of fries is a-la-carte and must be flogged with a sleeping monkey yet again) were apparently very bland.  My fry spy (not JoeDonn) rated them a 4.5 out of 10 (what's with the .5 stuff?).  So, a lot of fries for about $2, but they kinda suck.

Big thanks to my fry spy (not JoeDonn) for the report!