Z Tells a Joke

Z: Hey Grunion! Wanna hear a train joke?
GRUNION: Sure.

Z: Ok, so this guy had spent his whole life in a town with no trains, and he goes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on, and one day he was just standing on the tracks when a train started to come by. The guy hears the whistle but he didn’t know what it was so he just stood there.

Z:  Anyway, the guy just stands there and the train hits him.
GRUNION:  Uh-huh.  Hey, have you tried these muffins?

Z:  Pay attention!  The guy's in the hospital for weeks, and then he gets better enough to go back to his buddy's house.  One night, the guy hears the tea kettle whistling and freaks out.  He grabs a baseball bat and destroys the tea kettle!  His buddy is like "WTF?"  And the guy says, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"  Get it?

GRUNION:  Nope.  I'm gettin another muffin.

Z:  Hey!  Have you heard the Acute Angina joke?

Great Food Truck Race Fries

This past weekend the Food Network show called The Great Food Truck Race was in town.  I watch the show, so I was pretty excited to see it in person. All the trucks were parked around the square in conjunction with the farmer's market, which made it a total cluster.  Luckily, one of my fry-spies (not Jeff H.) texted me that the only truck that even had fries was the one named Coast of Atlanta, so that's the one I ordered from.

Wait a minute. Coast of Atlanta? What "coast" is anywhere near Atlanta?  Whatever.

Right after I ordered, the film crew moved everyone away so the local judge (a kid) could sample the team's "special challenge" creation, which was hash browns with Pop Tarts!  Sounded gross.  The kid agreed.

Let's see.  Ore-Ida Crinkles from a Sam's Club 8-pound value size bag. 

Undercooked, and not a fair amount for 4 bucks.

4 out of 10.  Boo.

Here are some of the other trucks.  The lines were too long and they didn't have fries so I didn't try them.

"Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance"

Kansas City

A few weeks ago we went to Kansas City to check out the fries.  Based on intel provided by Sondra Mac, we knew there was no way we were gonna be able to even scratch the surface of the fry scene in KC in two days, so I just  decided to stick with the touristy places this time.  Obviously we're gonna have to go back for another visit to get to some of the better joints.

Let's see...the itinerary says we should start at the Flying Saucer.

Check!  Wait, what?  You don't create a minute-to-minute schedule for your trips?  Weirdo.

Fries? Rocket Tots?  Saucer Bratzel?  Yes.

Apparently Friday afternoon is "Assy 20-something hipsters who just left work early roll your eyes at tourists even though you are in the most touristy part of KC hour at The Flying Saucer".  Since I noticed lots of snickering at my picture-taking, we decided to up the tourist-ness.  "Smile and say Kansas City, ladies!"

"Smile and say Kansas City, Rusty!"
RUSTY:  No.  I hate you.
GIBBY:  Why are you wearing a rain coat?

Rocket Tots arrived BEFORE the fries.  Interesting.

Tots were not as spicy as advertised, but the combo of the tots and the sauce made them pretty good.
8 out of 10.

Fries arrived.  Presentation was good.  Temperature was good.  Spices were good.  Price was good.  Amount was good.

Decent.  Nothing incredible, but decent.  7 out of 10.

I know this isn't a pretzel blog, but the Saucer Bratzel was awesome.  Pretzel, Cheese, Bratwurst, and spicy mustard.  You eat it with a knife and fork.  Fancy!

We spent the rest of the night seeing Cake play.  Big props to Sondra Mac for shuttling our touristy butts around. After the concert, we went to the uber-trendy Bar Louie cause I saw online that they have non-meat crap that the Bandit will eat.  This is what she ordered, BTW.  Gross.

Hmmm...midnight on a Friday night?  Kinda dead up in here.  This makes me suspicious/happy.

"Loaded" fries?  I'll be the judge of that!  And for 9 bucks they better cut a back flip and whistle dixie.

MEH x 100.  This was a total scam.  Meh amount, meh fries, meh toppings, and "holy cow" price = 3 out of 10.  Boo.

Rusty got Mac and Cheese that ruled, tho.

The next morning, we went to breakfast at Fran's- "the" breakfast place in the tourist part of KC.  The only reason I picked it is cause they have poutine, which is a weird French-Canadian french fry thing.

We waited almost 30 minutes for a table.  Not that they were busy or anything...

Fries with (tasteless/pointless) shredded mozzarella and BROWN gravy.  WTH?

Gross.  These not only looked like, but were what I imagine snails taste like-which kinda makes sense when you think about it.

Fran's Poutine = 0 out of 10.  Stupid.  AND we were there a total of 2 hours for crap that should have taken 20 minutes to make and serve.  Fail.

The next day, we toured the Boulevard brewery.  Again, I know this isn't a beer blog, but I have to tell you that the Boulevard tour is pretty good.  If you are ever in KC you should definitely try to do it.

The tour is free, and at the end you get to try some of their beers in their swanky tasting room.

Trying all those beers made us want fries, so we jetted over to the 75th Street Brewery.

This joint is in the swanky part of town, and the staff had the corresponding attitude.  Seriously, it was like pulling teeth to get beer samples and a menu at 3 o'clock on a Saturday.  Weird.  Maybe we looked like douchebags or something.

We ordered the elegantly titled Garlic Pub Frites and also some Pub Chips (as a chaser).  While we waited, we sampled all the beers.  They were all meh with the exception of one which I can't remember the name of.

The pub chips were stupid.  0 out of 10.  Don't waste your time with these.

The Garlic Pub Frites, however, WERE ASTOUNDING.  Hands down the best fries I have had since creating this blog.  Generally, I detest cone serving thingys cause they're deceptive with the amount of fries you get, but these fries are worth it!  Crisp and light on the outside with an amazing garlic/spice combination and a super-fatty dipping sauce to boot.  Awesome.  10 out of 10.  We ordered another one before we even finished the first one.

Dammit!  Wouldn't you know it?  A band started setting up right behind where we were sitting and we had to vamoose.  Karma?

The Facts of Life

GRUNION:  Yo, Marky-Mark!  I need you give me "the talk".
MARK:  Wha?
GRUNION:  You know-THE talk.
MARK:  Whoa.  You probably need your mom and dad to do that.  Plus, you're really young-

GRUNION:  Listen, kids are getting into it at a younger and younger age all the time.  I don't want to be at a disadvantage when it comes to knowledge.
MARK:  Yeah, but-
GRUNION:  C'mon, my old man's busy and mom is at the store.  Here, you can use my magnadoodle as a visual aid to explain the complicated stuff.
MARK:  Well, okay I guess.  Here goes...

MARK:  There are 11 players on the offense and 11 players on the defense.  The quarterback stands under center and he hands-or "hikes" the ball to him.
GRUNION:  Don't forget to explain the over/under 4-3 defense to me!

Tilted Kilt

As a general rule, I avoid what I call "jiggle joints".  Places with scantily-clad waitresses who are super-bubbly so as to extract tips from scuzzy/dumb patrons who think they will score.  I feel like a lecherous loser small-talking a waitress who's half my age with 52% of her boobs visible.  Also, the food at those kind of places is usually crap.  Suffice it to say I was not expecting much.

Decor?  Standard faux-Irish/Scottish/English/no one in America knows/cares the difference.

Basket of fries?  Sure!

Oh snap!

The fries were REALLY GOOD.  $2.99 is steep, but there were about 50 or so in there, which is ok.  Crisp, hot, seasoned with cumin, paprika, allspice, and maybe a little cinnamon.  The green stuff is always a nice touch (since it makes them healthy).  The lesson?  Never judge a joint by its jiggles.  10 out of 10.

P.S.-they make the dudes wear kilts as well.  Bummer.