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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Grunion and Z Talk Taxes

GRUNION:  So...I guess this'll be your first tax season, huh? 
Z:  What are you talking about?
GRUNION:  Taxes, son!  You gotta pay to play!  Freedom ain't free!  Uncle Sam wants his cheddar!
Z:  You are a crazy person.  We don't have to pay taxes until we're...

GRUNION:  Lord, please forgive young Z for his indiscretions against your favorite country!  He knows not what he does!

GRUNION:  Here, have a nummy and settle down.

Z:  I don't need to settle down....wait.  Is there a giant picture of a pimple on the TV screen behind me?
Z:  Dammit!  Why does that always happen to me?

GRUNION:  Yeah, I'm prolly gonna have to file a 4868 so I can get my exemptions in order.
Z:  I'm not participating in this.

GRUNION:  Fine.  Be a tax dodger.  But you're gonna have to move to Canada until you get a pardon.

Z:  That's draft dodgers.

GRUNION:  Whatever.  Either way, we're gonna have to buy some cheese.

Rockin Chicken

The other day Jacques says, "Time for some rockin (sic) chicken."  So I was like "Wha?"  And Jacques was like, "Get in the car, let's go."  And I was like "Okay."  Rockin (sic) Chicken in Springdale is primarily a chicken wing/tender joint, but I noticed on the menu that they offer a PAN OF FRIES!  Sign me up.

The counter chick erroneously rung me up for a pan of toast (why would anyone order that?).

After I remedied the situation, this is what was delivered.  Not exactly a "pan" of fries, but impressive nonetheless. 

Crispy, skin-on fries with sea salt that closely resembled the new fries at Wendy's.  It was WAY more than Jacques and I could eat-and all for $6.99.

Bonus points for this super-futuristic fork dispenser.  8 out of 10.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Grunion Meets Ash and Kel

The Grunion had a craving for Louie's fries recently, so he called up Ash and Kel to meet him.  They were nice enough to let the parents come along....

EJ:  Surprise!
GRUNION:  Whoa!  You've got tons of hair in your nostrils!  And on your face!

KEL:  Speaking of nostrils, I can clean my nostrils with my tongue like a lizard!

ASH:  Gross.  I can't believe I'm related to you.

KEL:  I can also burp the national anthem.  Wanna hear?   

GRUNION:  Go ahead dude!  No one's looking....

EJ:  Absolutely not.  Remember what happened at Applebee's?

KEL(talking like a robot):  Fine.  I will sit here very still.  I am a robot.  Beep!

GRUNION:  Hey Ash, I think I may be gettin sick.  Is my nose cold?   I hear that's how you tell if you're sick.

ASH:  First of all, that's dogs and second of all, your nose is fine.
GRUNION:  Man, you've got a reach like Klitschko!  Your arms are longer than me!

ASH:  All the better to hug you with!

Ash's hug turned into a bench-clearing tickle war.  The rest of the people in Louie's were not amused.

KEL (still talking like a robot):  I have received french fries.  Beep!  Yum.  Beep!

GIBBY:  Hey Kel, what's the design you have on your head?
KEL (talking normally now):  It's an arrow.   Like Aang's in The Last Airbender.

I didn't see it at first either.  Here's a visual aid for those of you who are over the age of 12.

GIBBY:  Hey Ash, how come you don't have an Aang haircut?
ASH:  Cause Aang is a boy.  Duh.

Victory: Children

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Northern Exposure

Northern Exposure is in what used to be Smoky Bones.

The decor inside hasn't changed much-except for the SCANDALOUSLY-clad waitresses.  The picture of the girl on the menu is what the waitresses wear.  Minus the snowshoes, coonskin cap, and fishing lure vest.  Basically they are wearing super small daisy dukes and a crop-top.  Very distracting.  I was too embarrassed to try and take a picture of our waitress.

In a fit of confusion, I ordered a burger (which came with fries) instead of an actual order of fries.

The fries were straight out of the bag "seasoned" fries.  For some reason, the seasoning was kinda dull-like they got wet in the bag and the seasoning was diluted or something.  I kept licking the sides of the fries to get a better taste.  The waitress was not amused.  In fact she thought I was straight up crazy.  Whatever.

John reported his burger was "mmmmmppphhhphhhhh".

Jacques indicated that his chicken tenders tasted faintly of designer imposter perfume, but were otherwise tasty.

I was gonna give Northern Exposure a big "meh" for the fries until I saw this OBESE BEAVER PADDLING A CANOE tucked into a corner.  Now they get a 7 out of 10.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Salty Dog

I have always believed that the old adage "if you can't say something nice about someone (publicly), then don't say anything at all" falls under the jurisdiction of the golden rule.  And generally I adhere to this wisdom.  But every once in a while, you get a kick in the pants from the world that makes you realize that you can't always live by the golden rule.

Case in point: Salty Dog across from Baum stadium in Fayetteville.  I went there with the Luv Me Tenders guy and Jacques today and I have to say I am still in shock.

Strike 1:  We ordered diet sodas.  When we tasted them, THEY WERE THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER VOLUNTARILY DRANK IN MY LIFE.  The Luv Me Tenders guy went WTF on the waitress, and she informed us that it was Sam's Choice Diet Cola.  Nice.  Nice and DISGUSTING.

Strike 2:  I ordered fries.  This is what I got.  There were about 30 of them.

I think they hijacked a food delivery truck that was on its way to a junior high school and pulled a bag of the crappiest fries on the planet out of the truck, ripped open the bag, smeared the fries all over the street, put them back in the bag, let a wino piss in the bag, let a dog crap in the bag, and then fried them up for us.  Disgusting.

Jacques dropped one of the crap fries into my crap soda in an attempt to make it taste better.  The Luv Me Tenders guy even added a little salt.  It did not help.

Strike 3:  When I got my ticket, I almost fainted.  $4.99 for the WORST FRIES I have ever had in my life!  We called the waitress over to ask if it was a mistake and she said, "sorry, I don't make the prices".   Oh, and the ticket also listed my drink as a "Sprite".  $2.25 for Sam's Diet Cola.  I should have drank all of it for that amount of money.

It should come as no surprise to you that the place was completely empty except for us.  I imagine it looks that way all the time, as they have no doubt tricked a large number of people already.  Shame on you, Salty Dog for your treachery.  I can only imagine what happens if you order a beer in this joint.  They probably bring you something they brewed in a bathtub that they poured into a Bud bottle-and then charge you $6 for it.

Although I have never suggested this to readers before, I strongly urge you to stay away from Salty Dog, and spread the word that it is in fact THE WORST BAR/RESTAURANT in Fayetteville.

0 out of 10.  I feel violated.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Thursday, March 10, 2011

In N Out Burger in Fresno CA

One of my fry-spies (not JoDonn) travels all over the country as an agent for a super-secret  Sending us these reviews poses a tremendous risk to his safety, so we should appreciate it.

In Fresno last week on "business".  Stopped at the In N Out Burger.  The menu is in code.  Meals are numbered 1, 2, 3, etc.  Meal #1 is a burger, fries, and a drink.  Meal #2 is a cheeseburger, fries, and a drink.  Meal #3 is a double cheeseburger, fries, and a drink.  Kid stuff.

My recommendation is to create confusion by infiltrating the establishment (via planted agents as workers) and re-numbering the meals so as to cause sufficient instability that an armed insurrection ensues and subsequently replacing the existing regime with one that is sympathetic to our interests.

Oh, and the hand-cut fries rate a solid 9.

Agent Out.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Grunion is Weird

GRUNION:  Hey dad-check it out!  I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like, makin' good conversation, I gotta handle you just right, you know what I mean...

GIBBY:  Stop.
GRUNION:  I took you to an intimate restaurant, then to a suggestive movie...

GIBBY:  Seriously, stop it now.
GRUNION:   There's nothin' left to talk about, unless it's horizontally....

GIBBY:  Why are you so weird?
GRUNION:  Let's get physical, physical, I wanna get physical, let's get into physical! 

The Grunion's First Haircut

Took the Grunion for his first haircut with Aunt Sissy this week.

AUNT SISSY:  Okay Grunion, if you could just hold still while I-
GRUNION:  Move it!  You're blockin my view of Elmo!

AUNT SISSY:  Okay, but if you could just turn-

AUNT SISSY:  We just need to get rid of this mullet you've got goin here.
GRUNION:  Whatever.  Rusty says that the mullet is the most powerful haircut in the world.  He says all the great leaders had mullets-Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Lionel Richie...

AUNT SISSY:  Actually, Lionel Richie had a jheri curl.

GRUNION:  Dad, can I have a jheri curl?