Why Do They Do This?

Got these in a gas station on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

I thought to myself, "I love cheese fries!". 

The picture on the package is of fries with cheese on them. Also the picture shows little bits of green stuff on them. Healthy!

Look at all these convincing words!

So...umm...

There was nothing about these things that even remotely resembled the taste of cheese fries. Which is a pretty astounding feat considering they are made from the main ingredient of fries. These were so meh that I needed to invent a new word that means that something is so bland that it transcends total suckage and dimensionally shifts into a whole other realm of meh-ness.

So I dub these PUH

DO NOT DO

Searcy is B-A-N-A-B-A-N-A-N-A-S

The secret is out that America is kinda nuts. I'm not sure everyone knows how nuts, but this post should seal the deal. Searcy, Arkansas is a tiny college town located pretty much in the middle of the state. It's got about 20,000 residents and no reason whatsoever to have what I am about to show you. I was there for a work thing a few months back and it took me this long to recover from it to be able to write this.

Rock House is a rock & roll themed joint located in what I guess is the hot part of town on accounta it's next to the Zaxby's (and also it's a block from one of the colleges).

The interior is sparsely decorated with rock & roll type stuff and they have cutesy names for their menu items.

But I had been tipped off by one of my fry spies that the whole reason to go to this joint was the ROCKSTAR FRIES. My fry spy Brad assured me that they were large and good. Normally when I see this kind of price I am in a hipstery part of a huge city so this was intriguing.

I had to sit at the bar on accounta the place was packed. When I said I wanted the Rockstar Fries the bartender chick said "You know those are huge, dude." And I said, "Okay I better just have water with them then." Then this happened:

The pictures will not really show the sheer stupidity of this tractor-trailer hubcap full of fries, chili, cheese, and a whole bunch of other stuff. It was hard to take clear photos because my hands were shaking so bad.

At the middle, the monstrosity was about 4 inches deep. Total madness. Everyone in the bar saw me alone trying to tackle this thing and gave me disapproving looks. 

I ate about 10% of this thing and asked a roving busboy for some to go boxes cause I wanted people to think I was taking it home to my family of 12. It filled 2 boxes fully to the top.

The best part of the experience was that the original bar chick was off doing something and didn't see me load it all into the boxes. And by the time she got back I had placed the boxes on the bar stool next to me where she couldn't see them. When se came back and saw the empty tray her eyes bugged out of her head. "Holy shit did you eat all of that?", she said. "Yeah I did....can you call me an ambulance?", I replied.

Rockstar Fries = DO IT (with 10 friends)

Double Duty at Feed and Folly

Right after the missus and I got our vaccinations, we went a little wild on the town for about 5 days going to all the places we hadn't been in a year (some we had never been to). One of the newish spots in FunkyVille is called Feed & Folly (or F&F-FunkyVille Funtown Fantasy Festival) as the kids call it).

I had to make a reservation ahead of time on accounta they had limited seating and it was a Saturday, etc. After I made us an 11am reso I looked at the menu and thank goodness I caught that they have a different menu on Saturdays and Sundays during "brunch" time. The menu is vastly different so plan yourselves accordingly if you go there. I notices that they had different fries on each menu so I called back and changed my reservation so we would overlap between brunch and the regular menu so I could try ALL THE FRIES.

Decor=1995 Deep Ellum.

The brunch ones are those whiny French Canada ones called poutine. They're "breakfast" because they put an egg on top. And they're 10 bucks. 

I'd say DO IT if you are into poutine (or you're French/Canadian).

On the the main attraction! Pastrami fries? YES PLEASE.

NICE.

Very good.  Definintely DO IT.

Also the reuben rolls are excellent.

BarNone Dallas

Went to the big D a while back to buy some weaner cattle and stopped by this hipster joint in the White Lake section of town for some fries. It was at night so that's why it's dark in the pictures. Also I was outside so I didn't catch the consumption (cough cough).

The inside is very Dallas 1995 - all wood and metal. People didn't seem to mind though.

A "side" of fries was $2.95. I was getting a grilled cheese sandwich with fries but I didn't want to wait so I ordered a "side" as an appetizer. They came in a bowl.

Nice. They seemed fresh cut but upon close inspection I believe these are top-tier "skin -on" foodservice suckers.

Good though. Nice and fluffy on the inside. Also the ketchup was cold and fresh. These fries with their grilled cheese and a beer is a total win for everyone.

DO IT.

Bottle Rocket Fayetteville

Been a while since I had some fries in public on accounta the plague and all. But since you all have been complaining about the lack of reports I ventured out recently clad in a hazmat suit to try some fries from this little joint for you.  The Bottle Rocket food trailer is currently situated behind Hugo's in what I call the EJ Ball parking lot. It's technically a sandwich joint but they have fries. 

 

Fries for $2.50?  Okay, bring it kids.

Nice.

Crispy crust and pillowy inside.  The sauce really sets them off. Worth it.

DO IT.  And take your sandwich and fries up the way to The Vault to eat it.  Tell Shawn I said Yo.

P.S. The Cubano is legit.

Elvis Did What?

Every once in a while (decade) I get a hankerin?  hankern?  hank'rn? for something other than fries.  And it's usually something really weird.  Read a story recently about a fairly known Elvis action that got me thinkin about a giant sandwich called the "Fool's Gold" that was made by a no longer existent restaurant in Denver called "Colorado Mine Company" (stupid name for a restaurant).

You can google "Fool's Gold Loaf" if you want all the details but the short version is that Elvis wanted this sandwich one night during a party at his cottage in Memphis so he flew his private plane (along with the party goers) to Denver to get it.  The 2 things that disturb me about this whole affair are chiefly what the sandwich is (you'll see in a bit) and that the dang thing cost $49.95 in 1976!  That would be like $250 today.  Idiotic!

Sooooo...the sandwich is a giant loaf of bread, a whole jar of peanut butter, a whole jar of blueberry jelly, and ONE WHOLE POUND OF BACON.  If you're thinking that sounds disgusting, you're right.  For some reason I accidentally grabbed sugar free blueberry jelly when I was buying the stuff so sue me.  Also I used 2 pounds of bacon on accounta 1 pound didn't really look like enough.

First you hollow out one side of the loaf and toast it lightly.

Then you add the jelly.

Then the PB.

Finish with a 2-pound sprinkling of bacon.

All done!  Holy cow.  Ruler and obligatory fork for scale.

The Grunion was amused/disgusted (mostly cause he doesn't like jelly and how dare I ruin a perfectly nice snack with that crap).

 I served it to my brunch guests with a single dried out baby carrot.

And 500 napkins.  Because this thing makes a huge freakin mess.  Oh and a Diet Coke to counter the calories.  Hey who ate the carrot?

They say Elvis ate this by himself.  I shudder to think about how much speed/cocaine/assorted pills/monster energy drink it would take for someone to be able to eat this whole thing.

It is gross on a level that is hard to describe.  The torrent of sugar makes your teeth grit and grind.  9,000 calories of sheer disgustingness.  One of my test tasters ate a slice of it and vomited in my yard about 15 minutes later.  The stomachache I got from it was formidable and lasted 2 hours.

Do not eat this sandwich.  Even with fries.