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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Death By Porch: Part Two

A few weeks ago, we prepared the foundation for what would eventually be a porch (or "deck" as Amy calls it).  I was instrumental in the efforts (evidenced HERE), but it almost killed me AND just the rocks and dirt cost $300.  We needed a few more weeks to recover and save up the money to actually build the porch/deck, but thanks to an anonymous donation from a generous anonymous mystery enigma person (not a close family member(s) or possibly blood relative) we suddenly had the funds to complete the porch/deck.

Chachie was elated.  So much so that the very next day after the anonymous donation arrived he was on my front lawn at 7 a.m.

With a bunch of extremely heavy wood.

And a whole truck tailgate full of dangerous power tools and pointy tetanus-causing metal objects.

GIBBY:  I should probably do most of the work with the power tool-


The first thing you do when building a porch/deck is make a square frame out of 600 pound pieces of wood (or "lumber" as the guys with big workboots call it).

After you make the frame, you measure the diagonal length no less than 40 times to make sure it is "square".

GRUNION:  Hey guys!  I see you're building something!  Do you want me to help?  I can lift really heavy stuff cause here in the house I lift heavy stuff all the time and I can also push stuff a long way and if you just let me come out there I can help with whatever it is that you're building.  Guys?  Guys?  Guys?  Guys?  Guys?  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!

JENKINS:  Give it a rest, kid.  You're disturbing hour 16 of my daily nap.  Editor's note: Jenkins slept on the cab of Chachie's truck the whole time we were running the saw and the air compressor.

After you build the frame, you use an "air hammer" to shoot giant nails effortlessly into some more 600 pound pieces of "lumber" to create the "joists?" and hopefully increase the frame weight to 9000 pounds.

Naturally I was not allowed to touch the air hammer, so I held the nails for Chachie.  I would like to note that I did not cut myself on a single nail.

And then you measure that 40 more times.  Seriously, what's with all the measuring?

GRUNION:  Hey guys!  Do you need my help now?  I know how to work this loud spinny thing if you want me to!

GRUNION:  And I also know how to drive from watchin TV so I could go to the store if you guys need something like more pointy metal things or some sippy drinks or some food or something.  Guys?  Guys? Guys?  Guys?  Guys?

After the frame is built, you throw all the 200 pound "deck boards" on top of the frame and Chachie drills 126 screws into each deck board.  Naturally I was not allowed to touch the drill, so I held the screws for Chachie.  I would like to point out that I did not cut myself on a single screw.

When all 16, 284 deck screws are in place, this is what you end up with.  Pretty nice, eh?

GRUNION:  Meh.  I would have made it bi-level with routered edges, portico railings, an integrated bench, and a few staircases.

As the sun was setting, we all sat on our new deck with a few beers and listened to Chachie play songs by Cinderella, Tesla, and Howard Jones.

P.S.  Thanks Mom and Dad (for a totally unrelated thing).

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