TENDER-GEDDON 2014

If you're gonna do something, you might as well go all out. That's not my motto or anything but it seems to be America's motto.  So if you're gonna deep fry some chicken tenders for the 4th of July, you might as well have a dipping sauce competition and make the coolest map of America ever. Here's how to do it yourself.

First, you get a ton of chicken fingers MASSIVE BREADED CHICKEN DONUTS.

Then you fry them up real nice.  Extra points if you look super cute/insane whilst doing so.

Then you have your friends and family make A HUGE FRIED CHICKEN AND FRENCH FRY map of the United States (including Alaska and Hawaii of course but not the U.S. Territories cause that would be excessive).  Shirtless kid to show scale.

MERICA!

Then you have everyone try each dipping sauce with the tenders.

And vote for their favorite.

It helps if you make goofy "trophies" for the winners.

Then you award prizes for first.

And second place.

Then lazily float around the pool in a tender/fry coma for a few hours.
GRUNION:  Mom, what's wrong with big Gibby?
AMY:  He's in a tender coma, son.  Make sure he doesn't drown.

And make sure to keep a secret "backup" supply of tenders and fries in the oven for later-you know, for if you get hungry.