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Friday, July 2, 2010

The Curse

When I was about 13 years old, I started noticing that I am cursed.  Not life-threatening or life-ruining cursed.  More like "annoyingly" cursed since the effects of the curse are really just annoying rather than devastating.  I have no idea who placed this curse on me, but I suspect it is a family curse on my father's side-possibly from generations past.  I suspect this because he has pointed out some of the manifestations of the curse throughout my life, and I think he may be hiding a family secret about the reasons that we may have had the curse put upon us.  The curse takes many annoying forms.  Here are the most frequent/prevalent.

When I walk into a store, there will be lots of checkout lines open, and hardly any people at each checkout.  When I am done shopping, the previously open checkout lines will be closed and there will be tons of people in each line.  This is one of the ones that my father has been pointing out since I was a kid, and if you have ever been with me to the store you can confirm it.

Whenever I use a public restroom (for serious business) there will be an onslaught of people needing to use the restroom for serious business AT THAT VERY MOMENT.  No sooner do I sit down then there are 10 guys piling in to the restroom to do business.  It's like a busload of dudes with indigestion is following me around everywhere I go.

There are too many driving examples to list, but the most frequent is that when I am in the right line of traffic and needing to turn right at an intersection, every car in the right lane will turn right UNTIL THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME.  This person will want to go straight.  Ironically, I am blessed when it comes to parking (as does my father).  Maybe the gypsy who put the curse on our bloodline wanted us to be close to the store so that we could enjoy the checkout curse sooner.

When I go see a movie, the film will break (or there will be some other technical problem), AND/OR there will be loud/obnoxious kids and/or adults ruining the experience with talking, laughing, seat-kicking, or excessive trips in and out of the theater.  I have only seen 5 movies in my lifetime without the curse ruining it:
Star Wars
Saw this in 1977 in Kuwait at a sheik's personal theater where he had commanded everyone to be silent and not move for the entire movie.

Saw this in Virgina in 1982.  It remains a mystery as to why the curse did not show up for it.  Maybe it was the curse's day off.

Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone
Saw this in 1983 in Virginia in 3D.  No curse presence, but even at 13 years old I knew that it wasn't worth the 90 minutes and 5 bucks I'd wasted on it.

Streets of Fire
Saw this in 1984 in Tokyo at a 1:30am showing (they show movies around the clock there and they do not allow technical screw ups).  I was the only one in the theater.  The curse was pissed.

Hot Tub Time Machine
Saw this a couple of months ago.  The curse just laughed and let it go cause the movie sucked so bad.

*Incidentally, I am now the victim of my wife's curse as well.  She is cursed with always being surrounded by people who feel the need to loudly discuss their lives (usually on planes or in waiting rooms).  It does not bother/affect me, but it drives her crazy.  I wonder what kind of gypsy she pissed off.

Some of these may seem like normal occurrences, but you have to realize that they happen EVERY TIME.  I know some of you may be thinking "all that stuff happens to me too", or "he's just focusing on the negative and never remembers the positive", or "what will I have for lunch today?"  BUT YOU ARE WRONG (especially about lunch). 

I have been tracking the effects of the curse for almost 3 decades.  It is alive and well and real.  But not for long.  Over the next few weeks, I plan on removing the curse using a complicated Western European cleansing ritual I read about online involving hot dogs and micro-brewed beer.

Then we'll see who's cursed.....

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