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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Ghetto Cheese Steak

So I'm watching Man Vs. Food (an awesome show) the other night and the host is in Philadelphia going to a bunch of different cheese steak joints.  Naturally, I get the powerful hunger for a cheese steak.  Knowing that there can't possibly be a good cheese steak around here, I decide that I will make one myself with "fresh" ingredients.
ME: I'm gonna make us some cheese steaks tonight.
AMY: Oh..homemade cheese steaks...that'll be.....nice....
ME: (oblivious) Yeah....some cheese steaks....

A few hours later I'm at the grocery store buying cheese steak stuff.  I looked up the "recipe" online, which calls for a hoagie roll (duh), steak, green peppers, and CHEESE WHIZ- which I haven't seen in years.  Apparently it still exists, though.  I ask a stocker kid where the Cheese Whiz hangs out and he shows me (in the cheese section-that's weird).  I'll be a monkey's uncle-it still exists!

Okay, now for some steak.  I remember when I was a kid that Steak-Umms were REALLY GOOD, so I'll just use those.
ME: Hey, where can I find Steak-Umms?
GROCER:  What?
ME: Steak-Umms.  You know, succulent, thin slices of steak that you can pan fry for tasty sandwiches.
GROCER: Hmm.  I've never heard of them.  Let me get a manager.

Several employees and store loudspeaker calls later, we discover 3 boxes of Steak-Umms in a freezer that have probably been there since Clinton was president.  Do I care that they may be a little old?  NO WAY!  I am on a cheese steak mission!

I get all the stuff home and start cookin.  As I am frying the Steak-Umms, Amy comes in the kitchen, takes one whiff, and declares that she will not be eating one of my "ghetto" cheese steaks.  No skin off my nose babe, more for me! 

I assemble the cheese steak and take a huge bite.

Some of you may not be familiar with normal male behavior when it comes to eating, but it is quite common for a man to bite into something, determine that it is not that tasty, and then shrug and proceed to devour the entire thing anyway.  Such was the case with the ghetto Steak-Umm cheese steak.  Steak-Umms are NASTY.  What happened?  When I was a kid they were awesome.  I was reminded of the famous Eddie Murphy "green pepper welfare burger" story.

Needless to say, later there were additional "complications" related to the Steak-Umms.  Do not buy Steak-Umms.  Do not eat Steak-Umms.  Don't even look at Steak-Umms.

Cheese Whiz is AWESOME, though.


  1. dude, yes!! when i visited Philly a few years ago I got the BEST sandwich at Pat's, the originator of the Philly Steak Sandwich. and YES, I had thought Whiz had dropped off the planet as well but it's an essential ingredient to the Philly Steak (my friends were telling me "you gotta order your steak wit' Whiz, you're a pussy if you don't" so I got it and it was immaculate). when recreating the sandwich at home, you can't use cryogenically frozen Steak Um's, dude. you wanna use T-Bone or Sirloin. sear it on both sides over the coals and then chop it really thin and fine against the grain. dice an onion and fry it up in butter, when onion starts to brown add in some beef broth & deglaze the pan and continue cooking until there is only a tiny amount of liquid left in the pan. Add the steak and cook it to desired doneness (with a shot of worcestershire if you want). Add swiss and Whiz to your hogie, pile the meat/onions on high. enjoy with your fave fries

  2. Thanks for the instructions! I will try again!


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