When Amy told me that we were going to the Razorback-shaped Ozark Corn Maze I'll be honest-I was scared. It's one thing to go jaunting off to some shady carnival-type thing when you're 23 and you're with a bunch of large men, but I have a family now and I get nervous around carny types. And at $7 a person, my rip-off instincts immediately kicked in. But after a trip to their website HERE my suspicion that it was poo was somewhat diminished. "And," said Amy, "they also have a pumpkin patch, a petting zoo, and a corn cannon." Well! If they have a pumpkin patch then I'm in for 7 bucks saith I.
It's on highway 112 in Cave Springs right next to the RV park that is next to the Creeks golf course (look on the website). You can't miss the big tents and (what is now) dead brown corn. Whoa! A train made out of cows? This may actually be worth 7 bucks!
Mark, Cindy, and Z came along in case we got jumped by farm-carnies.
GIBBY: Hey! Let me get a picture of you three with the sun blinding you!
CINDY, and Z: Sun....blinding....hurry up...
MARK: I got my Walgreen's blu-blockers on baby! No sun trouble for me! All the blu rays from the sun are being blocked. Ah yeah!
After a thorough review of the rules, hours, admission, and smoking information, Mark determined that we could proceed. "We need to stay frosty though", said Mark "this could go sideways at any moment-you know how corn people are after dark."
Z was concerned about his ability to kung-fu fight effectively while restrained in his stroller so the Grunion released him.
Corn Cannon: PVC tube hooked up to an air compressor that shoots corn cobs (kinda like the t-shirt cannons at football games). $1 for 4 shots. Stupid. Our friend Rusty makes cannons like this for fun using hair spray as the propellant. We passed.
The corn maze has two options. Go through the whole maze WHICH TAKES 45 MINUTES, or go through the "children's maze" which takes 10 minutes. Guess which one we chose. I have to say it is pretty cool, but it is probably WAY cooler when the corn is green and full and you can't see between the rows.
After we successfully completed the corn maze, we took a break.
Z: Dad, why would someone make a corn maze?
MARK: Well son, in the early days, like around 1950, the pilgrims made up a new word for what the Indians called "maize" to get back at the Indians for beating them at soccer. The pilgrims went around saying stuff like "man this corn is a-maze-ing". Eventually the pilgrims figured out that it would REALLY make the Indians mad to make a maze out of corn cause "maze" sounds just like "maize". Get it?
Z: Hmmm. Sounds plausible. How do you know all that?
MARK: I have a B.S. in Corn.
GRUNION: Dad, why didn't you know that?
GIBBY: Cause my B.S. is in BS.
FARMER: All aboard! All aboard the scary trailer with hay bales on it being dragged behind a tractor that takes you 100 yards to the pumpkin patch! All lazy Americans aboard!
This is the "cow train". 55 gallon barrels with wheels and cow heads strung behind a tractor. Big dangerous fun! 2 bucks per child. We passed.
The pumpkin patch is huge, but most of the pumpkins are gone. At their request, we left the boys alone in the pumpkin patch for a few hours so they could hunt for the Great Pumpkin (of Charlie Brown fame).
GRUNION: This is gonna be so rad! Wait till the Great Pumpkin comes and gives us a bunch of candy!
Z: What's "rad"?
Z: I'm kinda hungry. Got any milk?
GRUNION: No, dude. We gotta live off the land. Eat one of these pumpkins.
***sound of twig breaking***
GRUNION: What was that?
Z: I dunno. Probably some person over there stepping on a branch or-
GRUNION: It's the children of the corn! We gotta get outta here!
Z: What? Children of the corn? You mean from the movie? Whoa! This pumpkin stem tastes funny on my tongue! I think I'm tripping dude!
GRUNION: Outta my way dude!
Z: Hey man! You knocked me over! Quit freaking out!
Overall, the Ozark Corn Maze is worth a trip (even at $7). But you better go soon cause that corn isn't getting any less brown. Take the wife and kiddies.